Sticky

While I search for the words
I want you to read with
your ears

The coffee beside the computer
steams but that was before.

I drink it anyways
quick gulps of inspiration
as my skin opens
to let me in
attempts to contain
the sweat as it
breaks out again
in sticky uncertainty

My brain voice giggles desperate
guilt and criticism
into my fingers while
my heart voice calls me back
over and over and over
and over again

While I search for the words
I want you to read with
your ears

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I think I’ll call it Enough

Enough

I am empty

My floors are carpet

I want hardwood

I live in the suburbs

but I want to be downtown

with a farm and a restaurant

that runs itself. I own a minivan

but I need car

I got it, on credit

with a screen, a stick and a heated

steering wheel. All I want is

enough

I am empty and gagging while

sweat dribbles pathetic in  my search

for revolution I watch humans watch

screens in judgement of other humans

they will never touch. A willful act of

ignorance to the humans directly in front

beside and inside them sick with waiting

for something better to happen

this will never be

enough.

 

 

The Edge


I’ve never been to the edge

I gave up, moved on, forgot

where the edge was lost it

when I told myself Enough

that’s far Enough

that’s close Enough

that’s it, I’ve had Enough

I choose four ways

In twenty-one days

To breath deep into life

Inclusive and focused

Ready this time

to stand on the edge

When


When I let the river
wash over me
let the sandy grass
ground me
let the human sounds
drift away from me
I know for sure
there is no where
else on this earth
I’d rather be
no view I’d rather see

When I go down
to this river to pray
with blank pages
a borrowed bic pen
I wonder every time
how I know what to say

21 Days to an Ultra Life

IMG_3847

21 days

Creates a habit.

I lost my job a week ago. My accidental career as a professional cook has ensured my options are gaped open and I should already be a couple days into the next job.

I am not at my next job. I am here, in front of my computer watching everyone else’s life and obsessing over my former jobs Instagram account.

How is this my path?

In the past 4 years Kitchen Life has swallowed up every other part of my existence so quick and completely I thought the kitchen girl I had become was me.

I sensed a shift in June when I signed up on a whim to run a 50km trail ultra run. I told everyone who called me crazy “I needed a thing” I didn’t know what that meant then, but now, post-race and post job there is a twitch of understanding.

One thing I know for sure is when my mind is made up I am invincible. Right now I am clearly not clear.  I feel like I’m an elephant on a hamster wheel. The cage is small and I know I’m impossibly awkward and huge but the wheel turns in front of me and I can’t help the stagnant forward momentum. My boss busted the cage when she fired me and now I’m here. An elephant outside a busted hamster cage with this stupid wheel in my hand…

so I walk away.

I start down a road I’ve never been before, somewhere other humans might have gone but the path has grown over so now I have a chance to make my own way.

21 days to train for my ultra life.

I will focus on family, writing, creating new recipes, and trail running.

I will stop the unproductive over-analysis of my past, present and future, I will not read books or watch Netflix about how to be happy because that’s how someone else got there. I choose my life. I will fill each day with so much living there won’t be any time for all the shit in my head to loop around to the same stories (re:lies) my unfocused self whispers to me.

Except that it won’t be so easy. I’m sure, as a fact, it’s probably going to suck at times. Maybe I won’t want to run everyday, or my page will remain blank as my rice burns in the pot and I’ll think to myself simply “who am I to be extraordinary?” and that will be it. Over, full stop.

I’m going to start despite the butterflies galloping around in my belly, and I’m going to blog about it. My neighbour and good friend Jess is on a similar path and will  blog about her unique experiences with ultra life training at www.naturalcopywritingblog.wordpress.com, my husband is semi-commited as well. Instagram and twitter will be involved also. #ultralife21

#myfour
family/write/run/cook